While I was identified or more likely misidentified at birth as a human being (Homo sapiens), I have suffered from species dysphoria since I entered the university where I have felt unsafe and unsupported while subjected to bullying and harassment by the trans species critical majority.

Inspired by watching old videos of Sy Sperling who founded the Hair Club for Men, I am currently going through species reassignment surgery beginning with hair transplantation surgery. This is why I have not been publishing stories over the past few months.

Now that the hair transplantation surgery is almost complete, I am beginning to work on expanding the Animal Science Department to include professors who not only do research and teach about trans animals but who are trans animals themselves. I am calling for the hiring of three trans animal professors so that I will be taught by professors who look like me.

I am also calling for the elimination of transphobic binomial nomenclature in favor of non binary trinomial nomenclature such as Homo-Ursus sapiens (or wise human bear). Binomial nomenclature should not be used in the classroom. Academic freedom does not include trans species phobia.

Species identity is real and I am speaking to my senators and members of congress about the creation of a Species Recognition Certificate (SRC) to legally change my species. This will take a certain amount of time, since non human species are not taxed, and they want to ensure that human beings who are identifying as trans animals are not just trying to avoid paying taxes. I tell them that is not the case since there is not a single member of The Tea (taxed enough already) Party movement who identifies as a trans animal.

Disclaimer: I have no relationship with Budweiser Light Beer.