After posters showed up around campus depicting soon-to-be acting President Michael Kotlikoff as a neo-Nazi sympathizer, the members of the Board of Trustees simultaneously clutched their pearls and announced in unison that Sheikha Al Mayassa bint Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, the sister of the Emir of Qatar Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani would be the next President of Cornell–ensuring that the acting presidential term of Michael Kotlikoff, who sympathizes with right-wing neo-Nazis and White Nationalists, would be limited.

Sheikha Al Mayassa bint Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani will officially become president on October 7, 2024. For Cornell, this will be a day that will celebrated with an encampment on the Quad, year after year.

There is no truth to the rumor that the appointment of Sheikha Al-Mayassa had anything to do with the appeasement President Pollack negotiated with the Coalition for Mutual LIberation.

Sheikha Al-Mayassa is eminently qualified to lead Cornell through these tumultuous times. She graduated from Duke University in 2005 with a degree in political science and literature, and has appeared on the Time 100 list and Forbes’ The World’s 100 Most Powerful Women list.

Sheikha Al-Mayassa is known for her expertise in the world of art. She serves as the chairperson of Qatar Museums, and we at the Bear would like to start the rumor hoping that it will come true, that she will donate Paul Gauguin’s When Will You Marry?, a painting that depicts a lesbian marriage, to the Johnson Museum of Art.

On day 1, as President, Sheikha Al Mayassa will begin to root out the far-right Neo-Nazi, Christian Nationalists at Cornell who, according to Professor Ross Brann, are at the root of the antisemitism.