By Woke Prophet

My fellow woke Cornellians, it’s been 10 whole minutes since we invented the acronym DEI, and we still have grievances. Therefore, in the spirit of progressivism and change for its own sake, I propose we replace DEI with “Sameness, Inequity, and Exclusion,” or SIE (aptly pronounced “sigh”) for short. Sameness, because 98% of Cornellians tilting blue is not enough (go Big Blue!, er, ahem, Red?). Inequity, because white, and more especially Asian, student applicants must be held to a higher standard. Exclusion, because conservative religious (i.e., Jews and Christians) white straight males must be shunned due to their guilt, fragility, and rage.

Because words matter (e.g., speech is violence), I predict that a SIE initiative will finally rid Cornell of the bigoted few who still openly reject our progressive orthodoxy or others who we have successfully scared into silence but still dare to have private independent thoughts. I call on my brethren (I mean theythren) at the Cornell Center for HSWM to adopt SIE as their founding motto.

Stay tuned comrades, for in another few minutes I’ll detail my next green new acronym, replacing ESG with “The BFG” (Big Fascist Grift).